My son Tyler's birthmom died two weeks ago, from an apparent drug overdose. My husband called me while I was at a doctor's appointment to give me the news. I cried for an hour straight. Luckily noone else was in the office at the time except the office manager and she just kept supplying me with tissues. I cried every day for a week after that and have been in kind of a funk ever since. I just feel so badly. She was a beautiful, strong girl who had been given very little in this life and was obviously troubled. But I never imagined she would end up dead.
She had two abortions before she decided to have Tyler and place him for adoption. She has had two little boys since (from different fathers) and she kept them. They are now being raised by the father's mother. I can't even imagine my son in their shoes. How did he, the one son of five, end up at our house? My heart aches for them, and for Bonnie, and for my son Tyler. When do you tell your son that his birthmom died? He is only 7.
The strange thing is that although we have not told him yet, he has been talking about her and his adoption all of a sudden. Todd and I have been reading this book about a man who had a near death experience and he describes how our relatives who have died can come visit us on occasion for special reasons. It makes me wonder if she has been allowed to come see him and impress upon him some things. I do know that our relatives that are beyond the veil can come and help us in our time of need. I believe that Tyler, more than any of my children has suffered attachment issues. It makes me wonder if she is at least getting him to open up to us about his adoption. Maybe not, but it does seem like a strange coincidence. I have wondered where she is, and if she is suffering or if she is at peace. If she has been here, I am grateful that she at least has been able to get him to open up and talk.
We talked tonight at length. He feels badly that Bonnie didn't keep him. He wondered what she is like. I told him that she was an amazing person, who was troubled. She couldn't keep him, but she loved him very much and has never stopped loving him. I told him his adoption story - I thought he already knew! He said that he has felt "since he was four" that he belonged in our house. He said it was like "someone or something" brought him here, "like the eagles in Narnia, who carried Prince Caspian and his friends to war." He said he has always felt like he belonged here and that he was feeling that at the very moment we were talking. He feels that way even though he misses her.
I need to learn more about adoption and attachment and the bonding process. I think there is more to the bond a baby has with the mother who gave him life than we realize. Although it saddens me, I am grateful that Tyler is mine and that Bonnie had the courage and determination to give him up. Although I have been terribly conflicted about birthmoms and their place in my life, I love her and look forward to seeing her on the other side. I hope she will be pleased with how I have raised her son.